Beautiful Sadness

It’s still a bit early to list my favourite books of the year but I have a pretty strong hunch what will be topping the list. Last night I finished reading Heather O’Neill’s The Lonely Hearts Hotel. It was 11pm and I just sat there looking around the house for someone to talk to about it. Then I remembered that it was my lovely UofT instructor who pushed me to finally read it (it had been sitting in one of my piles for months) so I emailed her. There were probably too many exclamation points for that late at night but I didn’t care. It was the most amazing book.

IMG_20171123_103623521.jpg It tells the story of Rose and Pierrot, brought to an orphanage run by crazy nuns in Montreal in the winter of 1914. Rose had been left in the snow: “the two bright spots on her cheeks had turned from blue to red then took two more weeks to disappear.”  I don’t even have to same anything more, but I will. The two children are performers. Rose dances with an imaginary bear and Pierrot plays the piano, they perform for children before being sent out by the nuns to entertain the rich. They makes everyone happy as if by magic. Nothing I say can do this story justice. The narrative moves through their lives, they finally escape the orphanage and are separated. What they go through before being reunited is heartbreaking, but beautiful which is a major theme – beautiful sadness. O’Neill is the master of metaphor. I don’t remember the last book I’ve read where I’ve needed to underline so many sentences. Her images slow everything right down, silencing the story in the way snow blocks out sound, the only thing you hear is the pressing down of boots proving forward motion. It’s no surprise snow is a major image.

It reads like a fairy tale, magical without being fantasy. The greatest surprise is that it is one of the most feminist stories I’ve read this year. Nothing stands in Rose’s way, not men and not sex (of which there is a lot). She loves the conversation of women: “Rose adored the brilliant repartee of the girls. It was like the train itself, traversing in all domains – trivial and profound subjects, both at once.” She doesn’t bring them down on her way to freedom, she values and pulls them up alongside her.

As the years go on, Rose bursts through walls and ceilings with the ferocity of Eleven from Stranger Things – a weird comparison but one I couldn’t keep out of my head. I also was reminded of “La La Land” many times because of the haunting tune Pierrot writes for Rose that plays throughout the novel.

O’Neill is brilliant, bursting through her own walls and ceilings with this latest book. I’m not surprised, Lullabies for Little Criminals blew me away when I read it years ago. I’ve missed her short stories and second novel in between and will definitely be catching up. This novel is more powerful  than Wonder Woman walking into No Man’s Land but is beautifully quieted by snow and sad clowns and heroin addiction and gangsters and prostitution and love. It is about endurance and the beauty of sadness.




Confessions of a Babbling Dork

So this is when I feel like a dork for the things I wrote and posted yesterday. I’m home with Bingo and I notice she isn’t making eye contact. I’ve perhaps embarrassed us both. But posting yesterday was at least a step forward rather than another day of staying still.

At work there is an older man who is there most days. He reads the paper and wears a ball cap. He has a little, scrunched up face and never smiles. My first introduction to him was when he asked me what else I did besides sit behind a desk and look good. He asked if I cooked and why wasn’t I at home doing that now. He hoped I didn’t make my husband do any other of that work, and when I told him he enjoyed cooking,  the man told me there must be ‘something wrong’  (his air quotes, not mine). He later told me he was joking. But it keeps going and  he is horrible but older and some others laugh him off. And because I am behind a desk and I am working, there is an expectation to be professional. But I am supported.

It is easy to imagine one day wearing my ‘nasty woman’  tshirt and telling him where to go. And I will, I will tell him he`s inappropriate and needs to stop. No, I will tell him he will stop. The last encounter was the other day and he asked me if I was going to attend a children’s pj storytime, if I’d be dressed up and looking good, maybe with a bottle of wine. I told him `of course not`and  he walked away. Why didn`t I say more?  We think nothing can shock us anymore, but it does every time and turns us into babbling dorks.

So when I think of this and what we have to deal with, I guess I’m not a dork for sharing my goals and things that are important to me. I have a community of family and friends who support me unconditionally. I need to stand up for everything that is important to me. No, I will stand up for everything that makes up my world.




Monday is never a good day in our house, especially for our kids when they first wake up. Sundays are getting tricky too.  So we escaped. We packed up and took off to Toronto for a hotel night and swimming in what the kids pretended was Poseidon`s sacred pool. We relaxed in the rooftop hot tub, had a free hot buffet breakfast and a trip to the Science Centre. It was perfect and silly and goofy fun. We were all happy and had great talks. We laughed really hard. For the first time ever I fell asleep before the kids. We were in our beds and the plan is always to wait out the kids and then turn our lamps back on and read. But I was tired and it was such a great feeling knowing that I could just let go because everyone was content.  It didn’t make Monday much easier, but it didn’t make it any worse.


I finished my first UofT writing course last week and I already miss it. My next one doesn`t start until the end of January.  Until then my plan is to read (of course) and keeping working on my story that could turn into something longer and quite possibly my final project – a novel (bah!). I`ve been testing out saying that a lot lately and I like it. Writing here is also part of the plan, keep some structure to my writing days.